I used to think that nothing and nobody was worth taking your own life and I never thought it would be me to feel the cold steel of a gun barrel on my head. Unfortunately, that all changed the day I found out I was worthless to my family after 24 years. To be completely honest, if I didn’t work in the death industry and have seen the results of a gunshot to the head, I probably would have pulled the trigger.

It’s been said that suicide is the result of pain exceeding the ability to cope. And I was there. Everybody has a point when they can’t hurt anymore emotionally, and they begin to shut down mentally and physically.

I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a male on the cold steel table and thought, what was it that made you want to end it all? Was there no help? Did anybody care? I now know the answer to those questions.

I still have bad days, I am still heartbroken, and I will never be the same. However, I am not the only one. There are thousands of men that just “suck it up” and go about their day striving to be the emotionless robots that society expects them to be. They are told to just deal with it. Then, when it all comes crashing down, they are told it is their fault. Furthermore, it is expected of them to just take what is dealt by their wives and / or family and not complain or defend themselves in any manner, shape, or form, or be further stomped on emotionally. In essence, “Bend over and take it up the a** with a smile on your face”. They say that when a man commits suicide he is a “coward”, but when a women commits suicide “she didn’t get the help she needed”.

I am not looking for sympathy, and I am on the mend. I’m learning to live life again, I’m learning what I like to do and what brings me solace. Unfortunately, there is few deep friendships in a man’s life and as such, us men need to prioritize brotherhood for our own mental health.